I won the worst lottery in life-flashing lights and two detectives knocking on my door at 4:30 am. A mother's child is a gift and gun violence just took mine away. I remember what pajamas I had on and every detail of that moment, how I fell to my knees, the scream that racked my whole body and the dreams that ended in that second. The pain felt as if my heart had been ripped apart and breathing was impossible. All I wanted to do was run to Jorden wherever he was, cradle him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him and that I was there. In the next few minutes I remember telling my younger son that his brother was never coming home again and then began the phone calls no one wants to make.

At the beginning you just keep thinking this is a nightmare and soon you will wake up. Then as reality sets in, you know this is not a nightmare but something you have to face the rest of your life . Next comes feelings of anger, which they say suppresses the grief, and in those moments of rage it does, but quickly you’re right back where you started, grieving a loss that in your wildest dreams you could not have imagined.

Today Jorden will be gone for six months. I’m looking for that glimmer of hope, hope for the day in which the moments that bring me to tears will somehow turn into happy memories. The Flashlight Foundation is my seed of hope, hope that mothers will stop going through those first moments and can continue to live the dreams of a future with their child.